Woke Register goes live: register institutes, submit evidence, receive your WokeScore™

Welcome to Woke Register. At last, a place where institutes, think tanks, universities, and individuals can be measured the way they deserve: with a score, a leaderboard, and an API that sounds like it was drafted by a consultancy after three expensive lunches.

Woke Register is not an opinion blog. It is a registry — think chamber of commerce for moral theatre, a credit bureau for press releases, a Michelin guide for statements that use the word “bridge-building” three times and mean nothing.

What we are building

Our ambition is simple and completely disproportionate:

• Register — woke institutes and woke people sign up through a REST API just serious enough to paste into a grant application.
• Submit evidence — the public supplies “evidence”: press releases, policy PDFs, panel discussions, think-tank LinkedIn cocktails, or an 84-page document with zero conclusions.
• Score — our WokeScore™ engine converts all of this into a number from 0 to 1000, because nothing says “objectivity” like a decimal attached to a vibe.
• Rank — monthly league tables so everyone knows who performed the most remorse without changing anything.

The API (for people who like to curl toward the abyss)

Early adopters can integrate today. Sample endpoints:

POST   /v1/woke/institutes          # register an institute
POST   /v1/woke/people               # register a person (opt-in or by third parties)
POST   /v1/woke/evidence             # submit evidence (JSON, PDF, or emotional thread)
GET    /v1/woke/score/{id}           # fetch WokeScore
GET    /v1/woke/rankings?sector=ngo  # sector leaderboard
PATCH  /v1/woke/apology              # boost score via public apology

Authentication uses OAuth2 and a morally superior feeling. Rate limits are generous, except for institutes that “would like a conversation” — they automatically receive HTTP 202 Accepted but never implemented.

How WokeScore™ is calculated (top secret, bottom transparent)

Our algorithm weighs factors including:

• Land acknowledgement length — more hectares named, higher score.
• Pronoun refresh rate — quarterly changes rewarded; consistency punished as “stuck in 2019”.
• DEI budget per tweet — euros divided by retweets of the word “inclusive”.
• Apology velocity — how fast you issue a press release containing “we hear you” after a misstep.
• Panel diversity coefficient — bonus points when everyone agrees yet the title still says “brave conversation”.

Why this is needed (according to our pitch deck)

The market demands standardisation. HR departments need to know whether an institute is actually woke or only woke in the hero image. Donors want rankings. Journalists want a number for the headline. We supply that number — with decimals, so it looks scientific.

Woke Register is open for contributions. Got evidence? Submit it. Are you woke yourself? Register. Are you mainly curious how far a bureaucratic system can go if you say “impact” often enough? Stay tuned. This is going to be a journey.

Disclaimer: Woke Register is satire. Scores are fictional, rankings are performance, and any resemblance to existing grant-industrial complexes is unfortunately not entirely coincidental.